Harder to bear

I find that Christmas is getting harder to bear the closer I get to the day.

And it’s not the memories that make me sad. The memories make me happy. Listening to the old Christmas songs make me feel more connected to Dad Thinking of the Mission Inn reminds me of my Mom-in-Law. I never thought I’d think of anyone as any other kind of Mom except my Mom. I’ve learned differently.

I miss them. The nearer the holiday gets, the more I miss them. Their contributions to my life.

I almost lost it today in the soldering class I took for making jewelry. Not because of any one thing. Because of everything. Because of Dad. Because of Mom-in-Law. Because of what’s going on with my Mom. Because of the way these losses affect both me and Wonderful Spouse. Because of the time I’m spending driving back and forth. Because of the almost 10 months this has been going on.

I’m tired. My patience is over. If I was a better person, it wouldn’t be. But I’m not and it is.

The things that hit me the hardest continue to surprise me. I think I’m doing well. Then I think of my most recent favorite Christmas song “White Wine in the Sun.” My feelings about Christmas are complex, and the song expresses most of them, in their basic form. Religion isn’t important to me. Presents aren’t important to me. The part of Christmas that’s important to me is being with family.

And I have less family this year. A lot less.

I so miss them.

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