It’s all too much

It doesn’t look like we’ll ever know what actually happened to mom-in-law. I’m going to wonder about it forever. Whatever it was, it caused her to hemorrhage. It didn’t appear that she even tried to call anyone. It’s going to gnaw on me for the rest of my life that she died alone.

The Spouse cleaned it up himself. I wouldn’t have been able to do that.

On Sunday I got a text from Youngest Sister telling me she was in the emergency room with my mom. She’d had some bleeding issues and finally called her doctor who sent her to the ER.

That’s the point where I started to feel like my head was going to explode. Dad’s accident, long hospitalization and death, my mother’s continuing health issues, my sister’s surgery and now my mother-in-law. It just felt like too much. It still does.

And, oh boy, Mom’s having a yard sale this weekend. She’s had stuff at an antique mall for years and has decided to downsize her spot so she’s selling everything that didn’t move at the antique store.

I would just like a few days to myself. A little time to process. I need quiet time and there just hasn’t been any, pretty much since Dad went into the hospital in April. I’d really like a weekend where I don’t have to go to the hospital or a party or a funeral or anything at all.

If this time period hadn’t been so emotionally draining I don’t think I would feel this way. But this it’s just gone on for so long.

I’ve also been afraid that something like what happened with my mother-in-law might happen to my mom. It is totally within the realm of possibility. She has congestive heart failure. Her heart function has been severely affected. There’s a reason why I call her daily and go over there twice a week.

We’re pretty sure that mother-in-law died the evening we last spoke to her. That means she was dead for at least a couple of days before the Spouse found her. I’m going to feel guilty about that forever, even though logically I know there’s probably nothing we could have done. It just pains me that she was alone.

I also ran into the doctor that treated Dad while I was visiting Mom. I can’t tell you how much I did not want to see that man. No fault of his own; I know he did the best he could, but I so did not need to go back to that time emotionally.

The last six months have been a wild ride and while I’m not ready to leave the park, I’d really like to get off of the rollercoaster for a while.

One thought on “It’s all too much

  1. I am sorry for your loss. I too know your pain and guilt. I lost my mom the same way last December. She was alone and passed for12 hours before found. I got the call everyone dreads. I only talked to her by phone the day before. So, I hope you realize it will get a little better over time, and there was nothing you could do.

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