I’ve never really understood sadness. I’ve never really felt sad.
I’ve had reasons to be sad more than once in my life. I got diagnosed with lupus, had my husband leave me while I was sick, then had to face the prospect of life forever tied to a dialysis machine. And while I had bad moments, many of them. I don’t know that I’ve ever really felt sad.
But the losses over the last couple of months, they’re heavy. And painful. Like carrying sharp rocks around in your heart. They’re heavy and every time you move the edges cut at you. Sometimes just a dull ache and sometimes razor sharp.
And there is nothing I can do about losing my dad and my mom-in-law. They’re gone. And the loss of them weighs on me.
It’s something I’ve never really experienced before. I’m sad. I don’t think it’s ever going to go away. I’ll learn to live with it. But it will never go away.
There’s another person-shaped hole in my life now. I really liked my mom-in-law. How do people who lose whole families live with this? This loss isn’t crushing. But it so could be.
I want to tell my Mom about Mom-in-law, and yet I don’t. This is exactly what I’m afraid of for her. This would be why I call her every day.
But she really doesn’t need that unloaded onto her. That’s my baggage.
But damn it all, this is why I’ve been freaking out every time Mom doesn’t answer the phone. I know my fears aren’t unreasonable. Uncomfortable as hell, yes. Unresonable no.
I’m sad, and with good reason. I carry sharp stones around my heart. It hurts to carry them, but each of them has a name. A real loss with a real reason to hurt.