I want my father back, you son-of-a-bitch!

Only there is no six fingered man to revenge myself upon. No one to blame. And my father isn’t dead.

I don’t have much hope at this point. Even though he’s still alive (prove me wrong, Dad, please prove me wrong?) The longer he’s ill, the longer he’s in the hospital, the less likely he is to get out. He’s fighting to get out now. (Prove me wrong, Dad, please?) I’ve been angry at everyone I can think to blame. At this point, it’s only the main doctor. The one who said that the multiple myeloma was killing him. I thought it was the infections. But it seems (to me, I have no hard evidence) that the infections have gotten better. I was angry because the doctor told us that it was multiple myeloma killing him.

But it really seems that it is what it is. Crap. I’m wrong again. I hate that.

Yesterday, for the first time in weeks he was lucid. Knew where he was. Knew who we were. Didn’t seem to be in pain. Wanted to get up out of bed and use the bathroom. He’s wanted that for days, but he really knew who we were and where he was. We didn’t ask him about what time; that wouldn’t be fair.

The doctor, when asked how he was, said that he was still very sick and the doctor was just waiting for Mom to give the word. The word being the word to disconnect.

How do we do that? How do we say, disconnect the feeding tube, don’t give him any more antibiotics, no more blood transfusions? I can’t. Even though I think if this goes on much longer neither of my parents will recover. He’s still there. He’s still my Dad. I want my father back!

The thing is, I’m watching both of them lose strength. I know that your family’s strength can keep you going. It kept me alive when it would have been easier for me to give up. When I wanted to give up.

But Mom doesn’t have much extra strength to spare these days. I am so grateful to the family members that have come out to see Dad, to support Mom. To help us all. This is horrible to go through. But they have helped so much. I know I wouldn’t have lasted even this long without them. They’ve given me the strength to go on. Come what may, we are family. We are not alone.

One thought on “I want my father back, you son-of-a-bitch!

  1. Your posts are breaking my heart for you. I have kinda sorta been there done that. I am reading your words through tears. I’m so sorry it is working out for you and your family like this. I’d send you good vibes but I don’t think there is enough to send. I am sorry for all the pain and I wish I could help ease it. Know that you are being thought of in the northwest corner of Indiana with kindness and sympathy.

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