Two lives

I feel like my life is cut in to right now. My regular life, home, work, the garden and my hospital life, driving, suffering, mental pain and fear.

Both Dad and Mom are getting to the point where they can’t stand one more thing, but more things keep coming. Dad’s lost it a couple of times. And if he goes, it’s a cascade effect. Mom cries, I cry. Not fun. Mom has finally come to the realization that he might give up. I wish I could have reassured her, but I’m worried about that, too. Everything hurts him.

Last night in the middle of the night they took him and put a filter in the vena cava to prevent clots from reaching his heart, lungs and brain. He has major clots in his legs from his inability to move. His knees are swollen and hot. Most of the time the nursing assistants are good, but the one he had today was extremely rough with him. She left him on the bed pan 10 minutes after he was done and then rolled him about roughly when changing the bedding, grabbing his leg right where it hurt most. Thanks a lot lady. It took him an hour and a pain pill to recover from her handling. She banged around the room like she was mad at the world. If she asks me to leave the room again I’m going to say no. I think part of why she made us leave was so there would be no one to witness her roughness. I know healthcare workers are overworked and underpaid, but damn, don’t take out on the helpless patients.

Mom is concerned that he’ll give up. I think she’s right to be concerned. She wanted me to reassure her. I know she did. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t lie to her. Not about this. Even though I wanted to. I want to say everything will turn out all right. I want to believe that everything will turn out all right. But I don’t. I don’t think that all is lost. I do think it’s all about if he can stand the treatment to needed to heal him. And if treatment can heal him. Battles with of multiple myeloma and prostate cancer have taken their toll on his poor body. His ability to heal has been hampered. He’s 79. He’s beaten the odds before. I want to believe he can do it again, but watching him go through this is hell.

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